[Englecturers] funny thingy on grammar

[cynthiatuell at adelphia.net]

Someone forwarded this little piece to me, and so I'm forwarding it on to you. I don't know who wrote it, but it's funny.

Happy holidays etc.
Cynthia

Subject: Underfunded Schools Forced To Cut Past Tense From Language Programs 
 
 
  A part of American school curricula for more than 200 years, the past 
tense was deemed by school administrators to be too expensive to keep in 
primary and secondary education. 
 
  "This was by no means an easy decision, but teaching our students how to 
conjugate verbs in a way that would allow them to describe events that have 
already occurred is a luxury that we can no longer afford," Phoenix-area 
high-school principal Sam Pennock said. "With our current budget, the past 
tense must unfortunately become a thing of the past." 
 
  In the most dramatic display of the new trend yet, the Tennessee 
Department of Education decided Monday to remove "-ed" endings from all of 
the state's English classrooms, saving struggling schools an estimated $3 
million each year. Officials say they plan to slowly phase out the tense by 
first eliminating the past perfect; once students have adjusted to the 
change, the past progressive, the past continuous, the past perfect 
progressive, and the simple past will be cut. Hundreds of school districts 
across the country are expected to follow suit. 
 
  "This is the end of an era," said Alicia Reynolds, a school district 
director in Tuscaloosa, AL. "For some, reading and writing about things not 
immediately taking place was almost as much a part of school as history 
class and social studies." 
 
  "That is, until we were forced to drop history class and social studies a 
couple of months ago," Reynolds added. 
 
  Nevertheless, a number of educators are coming out against the cuts, 
claiming that the embattled verb tense, while outmoded, still plays an 
important role in the development of today's youth. 
 
  "Much like art and music, the past tense provides students with a unique 
and consistent outlet for self-expression," South Boston English teacher 
David Floen said. "Without it I fear many of our students will lack a number 
of important creative skills. Like being able to describe anything that 
happened earlier in the day." 
 
  Despite concerns that cutting the past-tense will prevent graduates from 
communicating effectively in the workplace, the home, the grocery store, 
church, and various other public spaces, a number of lawmakers, such as 
Utah's Sen. Orrin Hatch, have welcomed the cuts as proof that the American 
school system is taking a more forward-thinking approach to education and 
the dimension of time. 
 
  "Our tax dollars should be spent preparing our children for the future, 
not for what has already happened," Hatch said at a recent press conference. 
"It's about time we stopped wasting everyone's time with who 'did' what or 
'went' where. The past tense is, by definition, outdated." 
 
  Said Hatch, "I can't even remember the last time I had to use it." 
 
  Past-tense instruction is only the latest school program to face the 
chopping block. School districts in California have been forced to cut 
addition and subtraction from their math departments, while nearly all high 
schools have reduced foreign language courses to only the most basic 
phrases, including "May I please use the bathroom?" and "No, I do not want 
to go to the beach with Maria and Juan." Some legislators are even calling 
for an end to teaching grammar itself, saying that in many inner-city school 
districts, where funding is most lacking, students rarely use grammar at 
all. 
 
  Regardless of the recent upheaval, students throughout the country are 
learning to accept, and even embrace, the change to their curriculum. 
 
  "At first I think the decision to drop the past tense from class is 
ridiculous, and I feel very upset by it," said David Keller, a seventh-grade 
student at Hampstead School in Fort Meyers, FL. "But now, it's almost like 
it never happens."